The right thing?

Sorry I've been away for awhile but this past week has been pretty rough on both Jake and I. It pretty much started last Thursday when there was a pretty massive blow up at home, all started over homework of course. He got upset and I was so close to my breaking point that I finally snapped myself and said some horrible things to him and pushed him too far over the edge. He snapped too. Things got damaged, doors got broken. It was ugly. Things calmed down and we worked though it. He felt bad and so did I but it was obvious that things were getting strained between us.
I can't remember where I left off with the Brain Balance story but we went ahead with the assessment and I met with the Dr on Monday about the results. After almost 1.5 hours I walked out of there knowing pretty much everything I already did before I even walked in there. However, I guess I can at least say that I did get some answers as to why things are the way they are.. Now they want the $6000 and 12 weeks to fix him because they say they can. Sorry but no thank you.. We don't have 12 weeks.
Tuesday I kept him from school because he didn't sleep very well Monday night.. He stayed with mom and never did go back to sleep. Wednesday was a bad day at school. Ooops! Guess I sent him on the wrong day!!! No suspensions though.
I finally decided on a new Dr earlier in the week and made his first appointment for next Tuesday. Was all excited about it. Then on Tuesday after making the decision to keep him home form school I decided to call St Vincent Stress Center ( at the recommendation of my Mother) and set up an appointment for an assessment for their programs since we have had NO LUCK with Comm Hospitals.
He got a good night sleep last night, 12 hours of sleep actually. We had some time to spend together this morning before the assessment and for the most part it was a good morning with a few MINOR little attitude issues. We get to the appointment (late of course) and I start the paperwork. He was still doing ok but definitely a little restless. Finally it was time to start the assessment. He went first and was with the Dr for about 45 minutes. He came out smiling and happy and said Mommy, it's your turn. SO I went back for my turn with the Dr. He was out in the hallway waiting on me. He was assessed and paperwork was signed for him to start IOP Intensive Outpatient Therapy on Monday- 3 days a week for 3 hours a day for 4-6 weeks. I was on the way out to get him and sing the file paperwork and we couldn't find Jake.
Something had upset him and as I somehow managed to look out the window we saw him. Being carried in my at least 6 Orderlies. He was at this point, kicking, screaming, fighting and cussing and within 5 minutes he had gone from starting IOP on Monday to being admitted to INPATIENT. I didn't get to see him after that but I heard him fighting and screaming. So after more paperwork..I finally left St.V's alone. My heart was hurting and my eyes were swollen and I just felt numb. I was able to go back at 6:15 for visiting hours and to bring him clothes. We had a good visit. It was a little rocky at first and because of his attitude, I almost had to leave. He pulled it together and we were able to have a nice, positive, healthy visit. He was scared and wanted me to take him home but he know I couldn't. He's done this once before so he does know the drill. He's really upset though that they wouldn't let him have his favorite stuffed animal that he takes with him everywhere.. We agreed to let the Dr's take care of him and let Kitty stay home and take care of me. :) I know this is the right thing to do and it did have to be done but why does the right thing feel like the worst thing in the world? I know this will help him and hopefully bring my sweet, caring, loving boy home to me. I just have to stay strong for him and let him know this is a good thing and that we both have to be OK with it. So I saved my tears for after the visit but basically cried the whole way home. Tonight I am going to (try) and sleep and then tomorrow I will wake up, not have to get him up and off to school, go to work and pretend to care about being there. I am able to visit him everyday he is there so as I pretend to care about work tomorrow, all I will be doing is counting down the clock until it's time to leave and go visit him.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. My friends have noticed I am not as active on Facebook lately and have started to ask questions. ( those who know me, know I am on their a lot!). Is it wrong of me that I am wanting to avoid seeing all my friends lives progress and move on.. The highlights of their days, the stories about their kids? I love my friends and would never want them to not be able to experience these things.. I just can't see it right now.. I can't get on FB and post statuses about how I feel or about my kid being a patient at 10 years old in a stress center for the second time in his life.. I don't want the pity or the sympathy or the "I don't know how you can do it" comments. I'm sure this makes me a horrible person but that's who I am right now.. I know this is the right thing to do and it's whats best for him. That's whats most important to me!!! I can't pretend that everything is ok and all normal and zippity doo dah right now! I will remain strong for him and I promise that I won't do anything stupid to jeopardize myself or my health. For now, that's all I can promise..
Good Night. Tomorrow is another day!!!