Looking back at posts over the last 2 months, I see a big difference in my writing. About a month ago, both Jake and I were so close to our breaking points and with no help in sight, started looking for new options for the both of us. 9/30/10 was a huge turning point for us. As it started out with a simple appointment but turned into something so much more serious. Admitting him to St V's Inpatient unit was tough on both of us but it was for the best and we both know that and agree. 5 days in in patient then lead us to about 2 weeks of partial inpatient therapy where he went everyday. Now he is only about 2-3 weeks away from graduating from the program (he currently is in Intensive outpatient, going 3 days a week). I went to see him everyday while he was inpatient, had therapy 3 times a week with him in partial and go once a week with him now in intensive outpatient.
Here is the report almost one month later-
things broken in the house- NONE!
aggressive/physical outburst- NONE!
issues at school- One!
We talk a lot about his time in therapy and he told my mom the other day he was HAPPY! We have not heard that from him in a long time. He has been helpful around the house and doing things without being asked. He cleared the dinner table last Thursday night when we had dinner at my mom's house. He helped me clean out the Garage on Saturday and the kitchen, living room and toy room yesterday. Then he asked me if there was anymore we could do!!! :)
He is doing well with his behavior chart, he loves earning his points and is no longer taking his privileges for granted. He went outside yesterday to play with the neighbor boy for about 30 minutes and there was no issues. He was told a certain time to be home and came home 4 minutes early (this has been a problem for us in the past, coming home later than the time he was given). It had been almost 2 months since he had played with the neighbor kid.
We are still having issues with his sleeping arrangements and getting on the bus in the morning but hey, one step at a time and I know not to put too much pressure on him right now.. All in good time, I guess. He's been writing in a journal and a lot more open to talking about things lately as well. I am so proud of him, he is doing so well. We are still looking at this on a day to day basis and there are days where he still does get a little agitated but it has not escalated. He says a few choice words and them pretty much moves on. He also still is stuck on the I only see things MY way but we talk through things, he tells me I'm pissing him off or nagging him, then we move on.. His teachers have all seen the improvements as well, he is working on his school work in school now and coming home with little or NO homework for the past couple weeks now.
After we graduate from St V's, I hope he is able to keep all of this with him when we move on to one on one therapy outside of the Stress Center. Watching him in family therapy always makes me laugh or smile. He is always the first to raise his hand to speak or volunteer me to.. He used to never want to talk in therapy before or to the doctors and would just shut down or give major attitude. I hope he will be able to keep this with him as well. I know we are not fixed and they we may never be but having Jake back has been wonderful. He is an amazing kid who has so much potential and I have such high hopes for his future. If he is able to keep this up and remain this way, I have no doubt, he will succeed and go far. However, if he doesn't, then we also both know that another hospital visit or more time in St V's can help us again if we loose our way or forget how to use and manage our coping skills as we grow up and encounter different experiences and scenarios.
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Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Progress Proress Progress
As I sit here and plan out today's blog, I do it with a smile on my face and the feeling of how easy it is to breathe these days. As most of you know, on 9/30 Jake was admitted into the Stress Center's Inpatient Youth Unit for 5 days. I blogged about his time there in my last blog and now it's time to update you about his time in Partial Inpatient Therapy (PIT). He started that on 10/1 and gets to graduate to Intensive Out Patient (IOP) TOMORROW :).
During his time at PIT, he has learned more about how to use coping skills and when to apply them. He is in this program with a few other boys and it intermingles with the IOP kids as well. PIT was every day from 1-5. So he went to school half day then spent the rest of his day in PIT. PIT also involved 3 days of Family therapy sessions a week. The family therapy sessions have gone really well. Jake was always the first one to speak up when asked "Who wants to go first?" Jake NEVER used to talk about his problems especially with strangers and most of the time even me! He always answered their questions with good answers. He has been great at home as well. He's been pleasant, helpful and respectful. He has even offered a few times to do things that he was not asked to do. Things like this used to get a big refusal or a "No way in Hell" out of him. and asking him to help out around the house was like asking him to comb the desert with a comb based on the way he would react to the request. ( Yes I now know that my problem was that I was asking!!!) However.... We created a behavior plan and a contract and it's posted in the kitchen and he earns points by doing things each day to earn privileges now (things which before he thought were just OWED to him!) He doesn't fight me when he doesn't have enough points for something or only has to choose 1 thing instead of 3 at a time.
The past 2 mornings he got up early, got himself up and dressed and ready. He did all his chores WITHOUT being asked and today chose toys over TV time and didn't get upset when I turned on the news and he wasn't able to have toys and TV at the same time.
ALSO for the past 3 days he has only had homework on one of them. He is doing his work IN SCHOOL!!! His teacher commented today how pleasant it was to have him like this in class. I am so proud of his progress and I know he's working really hard. By no means do I feel like this is over or that he is "fixed." But for now, we will take what we can get and hope it lasts longer this time. He was hospitalized once before through a different hospital but they didn't do any thing as extensive as this program with the stepping down through the programs. I really like that he was given this gradual decrease but still had the access to the staff and meetings and groups. He is so happy with himself to and that in itself makes me a very happy mom! I can't tell him enough how proud I am of him but I sure keep trying to!!
We have met some pretty amazing people while we have been involved in these programs and hearing the stories and struggles from other parents in different stages of their child's "issues" has been heartwarming, sad, aggravating and promising all at the same time. There is a wide variety of kids by age, anger/behavior issues, diagnoses and the length of time the symptoms have been present. There are people who divorced because of their child's issues, and a few people who are on the brink of that. We all share stories and advice and talk to each other and offer support and encouragement and both Jake and I leave there feeling good every time. There are people out there with answers. People who live this every day, people who struggle with the same things I do. I felt so alone for so many years in all of this. I don't feel that way anymore. I also think that Jake doesn't either and again that makes me very proud of him.
We are getting close to the teen years so I hope he's able to keep with him what he has learned during this time and that the teenage hormones don't kick him into overdrive and set him backwards in his fight to control this. There are some really sad stories about kids out there, it breaks my heart each time I see one but in the back if my mind I always have to quietly say to myself, "Please God, don't let that be my child someday." In my mind I like to think that my kid will beat the odds and be one of those people who suffer from Bipolar/mood disorders and go on to become someone famous or discover the cure for something or a new theory to help us determine xxxx... It's amazing to read about actors, artists, entrepreneurs, musicians, politicians, scientists, and sports figures have all overcame this and moved on to do great things. I can want that for my child too. Right??
During his time at PIT, he has learned more about how to use coping skills and when to apply them. He is in this program with a few other boys and it intermingles with the IOP kids as well. PIT was every day from 1-5. So he went to school half day then spent the rest of his day in PIT. PIT also involved 3 days of Family therapy sessions a week. The family therapy sessions have gone really well. Jake was always the first one to speak up when asked "Who wants to go first?" Jake NEVER used to talk about his problems especially with strangers and most of the time even me! He always answered their questions with good answers. He has been great at home as well. He's been pleasant, helpful and respectful. He has even offered a few times to do things that he was not asked to do. Things like this used to get a big refusal or a "No way in Hell" out of him. and asking him to help out around the house was like asking him to comb the desert with a comb based on the way he would react to the request. ( Yes I now know that my problem was that I was asking!!!) However.... We created a behavior plan and a contract and it's posted in the kitchen and he earns points by doing things each day to earn privileges now (things which before he thought were just OWED to him!) He doesn't fight me when he doesn't have enough points for something or only has to choose 1 thing instead of 3 at a time.
The past 2 mornings he got up early, got himself up and dressed and ready. He did all his chores WITHOUT being asked and today chose toys over TV time and didn't get upset when I turned on the news and he wasn't able to have toys and TV at the same time.
ALSO for the past 3 days he has only had homework on one of them. He is doing his work IN SCHOOL!!! His teacher commented today how pleasant it was to have him like this in class. I am so proud of his progress and I know he's working really hard. By no means do I feel like this is over or that he is "fixed." But for now, we will take what we can get and hope it lasts longer this time. He was hospitalized once before through a different hospital but they didn't do any thing as extensive as this program with the stepping down through the programs. I really like that he was given this gradual decrease but still had the access to the staff and meetings and groups. He is so happy with himself to and that in itself makes me a very happy mom! I can't tell him enough how proud I am of him but I sure keep trying to!!
We have met some pretty amazing people while we have been involved in these programs and hearing the stories and struggles from other parents in different stages of their child's "issues" has been heartwarming, sad, aggravating and promising all at the same time. There is a wide variety of kids by age, anger/behavior issues, diagnoses and the length of time the symptoms have been present. There are people who divorced because of their child's issues, and a few people who are on the brink of that. We all share stories and advice and talk to each other and offer support and encouragement and both Jake and I leave there feeling good every time. There are people out there with answers. People who live this every day, people who struggle with the same things I do. I felt so alone for so many years in all of this. I don't feel that way anymore. I also think that Jake doesn't either and again that makes me very proud of him.
We are getting close to the teen years so I hope he's able to keep with him what he has learned during this time and that the teenage hormones don't kick him into overdrive and set him backwards in his fight to control this. There are some really sad stories about kids out there, it breaks my heart each time I see one but in the back if my mind I always have to quietly say to myself, "Please God, don't let that be my child someday." In my mind I like to think that my kid will beat the odds and be one of those people who suffer from Bipolar/mood disorders and go on to become someone famous or discover the cure for something or a new theory to help us determine xxxx... It's amazing to read about actors, artists, entrepreneurs, musicians, politicians, scientists, and sports figures have all overcame this and moved on to do great things. I can want that for my child too. Right??
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Road Ahead
Sorry I didn't update over the weekend. So here's the quick catch up. Jake was admitted on Thursday to St Vincent Stress Center. I was able to visit him every day. On Sunday night we had a parent group meeting with all the parents who had kids on the unit. Our visits were really nice and pleasant. We talked a lot and played Uno and Connect 4. He really connected with a few of the kids and I was happy to see that they would include him in their activities. Monday- we had the family meeting with his dad and he was able to come home that evening. :)
Last night at home was nice, we played Uno (with a new deck I bought him). Today was his first day back at school but he only goes half day for the rest of the week. From 1-5 he is back at the Stress Center for Partial In-Patient therapy. He did well at school today and said he enjoyed group tonight. I couldn't go to parent meeting tonight so his Nana went with him but I will go to the next 2 this week. I know we have a long road ahead of us. If he does well in Partial this week, he can go into the Intensive Outpatient program next week. Which will be 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. He will work on his coping skills and anger issues and behavior. We have to put together a couple of "plans" and contracts for us both to work on and follow at home and school. I have to write in a journal 2x a day in the am and pm to report his day for him to take to the therapist during Partial. He is also writing in a journal. Even if it's only one sentence, it's still writing.
I am starting to put myself back out into the social public but still being very low key on where Jake was and who I'm talking too. I am proud of him and what he has had to go through lately. He has handled it very well and is doing pretty well so far. I know he's not fixed and this is not over but hopefully this time with the extra time in Partial and Intensive Out Patient, the continued help he will be getting will be really beneficial for him. We both need to make some changes and be able to help each other.
I know that I need to stay strong and in control and calm and that I need to rely on my friends but most of them just really don't understand. I know they are there for me and supportive and that's important. But I just can't talk about some of this stuff with many people. I do have a few people who I can talk to about it, who don't judge, offer opinions or suggestions. I am grateful for that. I am working on it but it's going to take me awhile. I am happy that I have this blog and my outlets for the Bipolar parents.
Last night at home was nice, we played Uno (with a new deck I bought him). Today was his first day back at school but he only goes half day for the rest of the week. From 1-5 he is back at the Stress Center for Partial In-Patient therapy. He did well at school today and said he enjoyed group tonight. I couldn't go to parent meeting tonight so his Nana went with him but I will go to the next 2 this week. I know we have a long road ahead of us. If he does well in Partial this week, he can go into the Intensive Outpatient program next week. Which will be 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. He will work on his coping skills and anger issues and behavior. We have to put together a couple of "plans" and contracts for us both to work on and follow at home and school. I have to write in a journal 2x a day in the am and pm to report his day for him to take to the therapist during Partial. He is also writing in a journal. Even if it's only one sentence, it's still writing.
I am starting to put myself back out into the social public but still being very low key on where Jake was and who I'm talking too. I am proud of him and what he has had to go through lately. He has handled it very well and is doing pretty well so far. I know he's not fixed and this is not over but hopefully this time with the extra time in Partial and Intensive Out Patient, the continued help he will be getting will be really beneficial for him. We both need to make some changes and be able to help each other.
I know that I need to stay strong and in control and calm and that I need to rely on my friends but most of them just really don't understand. I know they are there for me and supportive and that's important. But I just can't talk about some of this stuff with many people. I do have a few people who I can talk to about it, who don't judge, offer opinions or suggestions. I am grateful for that. I am working on it but it's going to take me awhile. I am happy that I have this blog and my outlets for the Bipolar parents.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The right thing?
Sorry I've been away for awhile but this past week has been pretty rough on both Jake and I. It pretty much started last Thursday when there was a pretty massive blow up at home, all started over homework of course. He got upset and I was so close to my breaking point that I finally snapped myself and said some horrible things to him and pushed him too far over the edge. He snapped too. Things got damaged, doors got broken. It was ugly. Things calmed down and we worked though it. He felt bad and so did I but it was obvious that things were getting strained between us.
I can't remember where I left off with the Brain Balance story but we went ahead with the assessment and I met with the Dr on Monday about the results. After almost 1.5 hours I walked out of there knowing pretty much everything I already did before I even walked in there. However, I guess I can at least say that I did get some answers as to why things are the way they are.. Now they want the $6000 and 12 weeks to fix him because they say they can. Sorry but no thank you.. We don't have 12 weeks.
Tuesday I kept him from school because he didn't sleep very well Monday night.. He stayed with mom and never did go back to sleep. Wednesday was a bad day at school. Ooops! Guess I sent him on the wrong day!!! No suspensions though.
I finally decided on a new Dr earlier in the week and made his first appointment for next Tuesday. Was all excited about it. Then on Tuesday after making the decision to keep him home form school I decided to call St Vincent Stress Center ( at the recommendation of my Mother) and set up an appointment for an assessment for their programs since we have had NO LUCK with Comm Hospitals.
He got a good night sleep last night, 12 hours of sleep actually. We had some time to spend together this morning before the assessment and for the most part it was a good morning with a few MINOR little attitude issues. We get to the appointment (late of course) and I start the paperwork. He was still doing ok but definitely a little restless. Finally it was time to start the assessment. He went first and was with the Dr for about 45 minutes. He came out smiling and happy and said Mommy, it's your turn. SO I went back for my turn with the Dr. He was out in the hallway waiting on me. He was assessed and paperwork was signed for him to start IOP Intensive Outpatient Therapy on Monday- 3 days a week for 3 hours a day for 4-6 weeks. I was on the way out to get him and sing the file paperwork and we couldn't find Jake.
Something had upset him and as I somehow managed to look out the window we saw him. Being carried in my at least 6 Orderlies. He was at this point, kicking, screaming, fighting and cussing and within 5 minutes he had gone from starting IOP on Monday to being admitted to INPATIENT. I didn't get to see him after that but I heard him fighting and screaming. So after more paperwork..I finally left St.V's alone. My heart was hurting and my eyes were swollen and I just felt numb. I was able to go back at 6:15 for visiting hours and to bring him clothes. We had a good visit. It was a little rocky at first and because of his attitude, I almost had to leave. He pulled it together and we were able to have a nice, positive, healthy visit. He was scared and wanted me to take him home but he know I couldn't. He's done this once before so he does know the drill. He's really upset though that they wouldn't let him have his favorite stuffed animal that he takes with him everywhere.. We agreed to let the Dr's take care of him and let Kitty stay home and take care of me. :) I know this is the right thing to do and it did have to be done but why does the right thing feel like the worst thing in the world? I know this will help him and hopefully bring my sweet, caring, loving boy home to me. I just have to stay strong for him and let him know this is a good thing and that we both have to be OK with it. So I saved my tears for after the visit but basically cried the whole way home. Tonight I am going to (try) and sleep and then tomorrow I will wake up, not have to get him up and off to school, go to work and pretend to care about being there. I am able to visit him everyday he is there so as I pretend to care about work tomorrow, all I will be doing is counting down the clock until it's time to leave and go visit him.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. My friends have noticed I am not as active on Facebook lately and have started to ask questions. ( those who know me, know I am on their a lot!). Is it wrong of me that I am wanting to avoid seeing all my friends lives progress and move on.. The highlights of their days, the stories about their kids? I love my friends and would never want them to not be able to experience these things.. I just can't see it right now.. I can't get on FB and post statuses about how I feel or about my kid being a patient at 10 years old in a stress center for the second time in his life.. I don't want the pity or the sympathy or the "I don't know how you can do it" comments. I'm sure this makes me a horrible person but that's who I am right now.. I know this is the right thing to do and it's whats best for him. That's whats most important to me!!! I can't pretend that everything is ok and all normal and zippity doo dah right now! I will remain strong for him and I promise that I won't do anything stupid to jeopardize myself or my health. For now, that's all I can promise..
Good Night. Tomorrow is another day!!!
I can't remember where I left off with the Brain Balance story but we went ahead with the assessment and I met with the Dr on Monday about the results. After almost 1.5 hours I walked out of there knowing pretty much everything I already did before I even walked in there. However, I guess I can at least say that I did get some answers as to why things are the way they are.. Now they want the $6000 and 12 weeks to fix him because they say they can. Sorry but no thank you.. We don't have 12 weeks.
Tuesday I kept him from school because he didn't sleep very well Monday night.. He stayed with mom and never did go back to sleep. Wednesday was a bad day at school. Ooops! Guess I sent him on the wrong day!!! No suspensions though.
I finally decided on a new Dr earlier in the week and made his first appointment for next Tuesday. Was all excited about it. Then on Tuesday after making the decision to keep him home form school I decided to call St Vincent Stress Center ( at the recommendation of my Mother) and set up an appointment for an assessment for their programs since we have had NO LUCK with Comm Hospitals.
He got a good night sleep last night, 12 hours of sleep actually. We had some time to spend together this morning before the assessment and for the most part it was a good morning with a few MINOR little attitude issues. We get to the appointment (late of course) and I start the paperwork. He was still doing ok but definitely a little restless. Finally it was time to start the assessment. He went first and was with the Dr for about 45 minutes. He came out smiling and happy and said Mommy, it's your turn. SO I went back for my turn with the Dr. He was out in the hallway waiting on me. He was assessed and paperwork was signed for him to start IOP Intensive Outpatient Therapy on Monday- 3 days a week for 3 hours a day for 4-6 weeks. I was on the way out to get him and sing the file paperwork and we couldn't find Jake.
Something had upset him and as I somehow managed to look out the window we saw him. Being carried in my at least 6 Orderlies. He was at this point, kicking, screaming, fighting and cussing and within 5 minutes he had gone from starting IOP on Monday to being admitted to INPATIENT. I didn't get to see him after that but I heard him fighting and screaming. So after more paperwork..I finally left St.V's alone. My heart was hurting and my eyes were swollen and I just felt numb. I was able to go back at 6:15 for visiting hours and to bring him clothes. We had a good visit. It was a little rocky at first and because of his attitude, I almost had to leave. He pulled it together and we were able to have a nice, positive, healthy visit. He was scared and wanted me to take him home but he know I couldn't. He's done this once before so he does know the drill. He's really upset though that they wouldn't let him have his favorite stuffed animal that he takes with him everywhere.. We agreed to let the Dr's take care of him and let Kitty stay home and take care of me. :) I know this is the right thing to do and it did have to be done but why does the right thing feel like the worst thing in the world? I know this will help him and hopefully bring my sweet, caring, loving boy home to me. I just have to stay strong for him and let him know this is a good thing and that we both have to be OK with it. So I saved my tears for after the visit but basically cried the whole way home. Tonight I am going to (try) and sleep and then tomorrow I will wake up, not have to get him up and off to school, go to work and pretend to care about being there. I am able to visit him everyday he is there so as I pretend to care about work tomorrow, all I will be doing is counting down the clock until it's time to leave and go visit him.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. My friends have noticed I am not as active on Facebook lately and have started to ask questions. ( those who know me, know I am on their a lot!). Is it wrong of me that I am wanting to avoid seeing all my friends lives progress and move on.. The highlights of their days, the stories about their kids? I love my friends and would never want them to not be able to experience these things.. I just can't see it right now.. I can't get on FB and post statuses about how I feel or about my kid being a patient at 10 years old in a stress center for the second time in his life.. I don't want the pity or the sympathy or the "I don't know how you can do it" comments. I'm sure this makes me a horrible person but that's who I am right now.. I know this is the right thing to do and it's whats best for him. That's whats most important to me!!! I can't pretend that everything is ok and all normal and zippity doo dah right now! I will remain strong for him and I promise that I won't do anything stupid to jeopardize myself or my health. For now, that's all I can promise..
Good Night. Tomorrow is another day!!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Time to hit the dartboard again
Oh holy frustration Batman!!! Soo much going on lately, it's been hard to keep up. Seems like we may be past the suspensions from school for now and have been in for 4 days with little or no issues. Just had our first issue in after school care today. Went to the Doctor on Saturday to talk about everything that has happened since Labor Day and he was unresponsive and not at all helpful!!! It's time to move on. Now to find a new Doctor. However, in finding a new Doctor, we face the challenge of possibly a new diagnosis. I am fed up and frustrated with this nonsense. You would think since it was medical it's pretty cut and dry. They all go to school, they all study the same information. If your sick the Doctor is supposed to know whats wrong and how to fix it. We have been calling around to a few new places and basically have come to the conclusion that he needs to be re-evaluated, and possibly involved in some sort of out patient or intensive program.
We also agreed to try the assessment piece of the Brain Balance Program and well the first part of the assessment upset him and he walked out with 30 minutes left to complete it. He did better for the second part but started to get frustrated near the end. His meds have put on soo much weight that he pretty much failed the physical part of the assessment. Now I am waiting on the results of that to determine whats next. They are also supposed to work up a dietary piece and a supplement created just for him.
So now I am questioning everything of course.. Is the diagnosis right? Is the medicine really working?? Did we pick the right school? Do I put him in the hospital? HELP ME HELP HIM!!!!
Who has the right answers? If we switch Doctors, how will I know if they are right or wrong? We've been at this since he was 4 years old, been through 6-7 Doctors and countless Diagnosis changes. I can't even count how many times we've switched meds and later found out it was the meds that were really what was making him worse!!! WHAT AM I DOING TO MY CHILD!!!!
He can't sleep at night, can't wake up in the morning. Doesn't want to do his school work and blows up at the slightest things.. I soo wish I could fix this for him and not have to watch him struggle through all of this. I hate that I cannot make this right for him.
If I had my way (and about $1 million dollars) here is what I would like to do. I want to start a foundation/center for Children with Bipolar Disorder ( or behavior disorders or whatever we are going to call what he has... WHO KNOWS)... and for it to include grants, scholarships, for parents to apply for so they don't have to worry about the cost of medical care, treatments or medications. I'd also like to have a before/after school and even a school center for kids who can't function in regular school and a short term residential care piece where they can be monitored and cared for. I know that bits and pieces of these places exist but for a grander scheme. I want it isolated to certain Diagnosis/Behavior Issues. I also want a library/resource center and parent and child support groups, as well as therapy for the child and the family. All in one place! Is that asking to much? I just need a building, teachers, doctors, volunteers and a staff right?? Sure, as long as I continue to wear my rose colored glasses!
As frustrating as this is for me, I can only imagine how hard this is for my child. I know he's in there somewhere and someday I really hope to find him again!!! I just know that I will never stop looking, no matter what!!
We also agreed to try the assessment piece of the Brain Balance Program and well the first part of the assessment upset him and he walked out with 30 minutes left to complete it. He did better for the second part but started to get frustrated near the end. His meds have put on soo much weight that he pretty much failed the physical part of the assessment. Now I am waiting on the results of that to determine whats next. They are also supposed to work up a dietary piece and a supplement created just for him.
So now I am questioning everything of course.. Is the diagnosis right? Is the medicine really working?? Did we pick the right school? Do I put him in the hospital? HELP ME HELP HIM!!!!
Who has the right answers? If we switch Doctors, how will I know if they are right or wrong? We've been at this since he was 4 years old, been through 6-7 Doctors and countless Diagnosis changes. I can't even count how many times we've switched meds and later found out it was the meds that were really what was making him worse!!! WHAT AM I DOING TO MY CHILD!!!!
He can't sleep at night, can't wake up in the morning. Doesn't want to do his school work and blows up at the slightest things.. I soo wish I could fix this for him and not have to watch him struggle through all of this. I hate that I cannot make this right for him.
If I had my way (and about $1 million dollars) here is what I would like to do. I want to start a foundation/center for Children with Bipolar Disorder ( or behavior disorders or whatever we are going to call what he has... WHO KNOWS)... and for it to include grants, scholarships, for parents to apply for so they don't have to worry about the cost of medical care, treatments or medications. I'd also like to have a before/after school and even a school center for kids who can't function in regular school and a short term residential care piece where they can be monitored and cared for. I know that bits and pieces of these places exist but for a grander scheme. I want it isolated to certain Diagnosis/Behavior Issues. I also want a library/resource center and parent and child support groups, as well as therapy for the child and the family. All in one place! Is that asking to much? I just need a building, teachers, doctors, volunteers and a staff right?? Sure, as long as I continue to wear my rose colored glasses!
As frustrating as this is for me, I can only imagine how hard this is for my child. I know he's in there somewhere and someday I really hope to find him again!!! I just know that I will never stop looking, no matter what!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Good, the Bad & the UGLY.
Sorry for slacking on the blog posts this past week. It's been a little crazy/hectic around here. I had been bragging for weeks how well he was doing and that we hadn't had any issues, outbursts or anything, then the bottom dropped out. Well ok, not quite that dramatic but still. In the life of Bipolar it just seems to fit right? After Labor Day weekend, his first day back to school we started having trouble with him falling asleep in class. It caused an issue when they tried to wake him up to actually participate in class and do his work. Shocking, I know! Well, after the agitation and outburst, we ended up with a teacher with a broken toe and 2 days of In School Suspension. On day 2 of ISS, he slept all morning and when he woke up refused to do work. When they wouldn't let him have lunch until he did some of his work, outburst ensued and Mom was called. In School Suspention just turned into a day and a half of Out of school suspension. We called the doctor to discuss meds and to see about altering the times and dosages. We decided to try and go without the melatonin. It worked until Sunday night. We had a great rest of the day on Thurday, and the weekend he was great. Sunday night, he barely slept at all, and against my better Mommy judgement, I sent him to school. What was I supposed to do? Call him in and tell them he was too tired to come to school? School said I did the right thing by sending him, but called me an hour later and had me come get him AGAIN. This time they had to call the school cop for assistance. It took 45 minutes after I got there for him to calm down enough for me to take him home. He had to go into the quiet room and was trying to hurt himself so we had to restrain him. I don't know about your kids, but restraining mine is the WORST thing you could do to him in his eyes. He FLIPS out and goes all kinds of crazy mental. Screams, cries, cusses, kicks, bites or whatever else he can do and try and get free. It's the worst thing as a mother to see him go through that but I know it's for his own safety as well as anyone around him. Of course, I was trying to keep it together but by this time I was crying too. I just wanted to protect him, and get him home. The school cop was nice enough to follow us home to make sure he remained calm and then even talked to him for a bit once we got home.
Over the past 2 days, I have been working on his school work with him that they sent home for him to do. I discovered 2 things. I could never be an elementary school teacher and I could never home school. He seems to think that he can't do any work unless I am right there at the table keeping him focused and helping him. He definately doesn't need my help with the work, he just doesn't want to do it.
Also, in times like this, I never know exactly what to do or how to handle the situation. Do I punish him for being suspended or is that punishment enough? Do I revoke privledges? How long? This series of outbursts is because of medications, I believe, so as we are adjusting them, is it his fault somewhat? To what extent? I struggle with this soo much and really just can't seem to find the right answers to this one. Do you punish a child because his mental state is so messed up he doesn't always make the right choices? how much of this can he really control? Is it his fault? Does the punishment really fit the crime? Does it work? Is it effective? How can I punish him and not get him so worked up that it causes another outburst? Once he's calmed down, do I punish him for something he did 2 hours ago and was able to calm himself down, on his own? Or do I reward that part? I don't like what you did, but the fact that you controlled it and came out of it, well thats something, right???
I know that HE is the one who really struggles with the Bipolar but I really am convinced that the parents have their own struggle/fight aside from the one the child deals with constantly. Sometimes I feel like I need a medication for being the mother of a Bipolar Child, or therapy for how to deal with a bipolar child/parenting a bipolar child while he gets therapy as well. This illness doens't just effect the person who has it. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to be Jakes mom but then I realize that he must have had enough faith in me to know that I could handle it. He knew that Jake needed me. I am proud to be his mom and would not trade him or the life we live for anything else in the world.
We are still to the point where we have more good times than bad, which is a total 180 from a few years ago. He is a brilliant child who is loving, caring and super sweet. He is helpful (when he wants to be of course) and still manages to surprise and amaze me with the things he does on occasion without ever being asked.
Over the past 2 days, I have been working on his school work with him that they sent home for him to do. I discovered 2 things. I could never be an elementary school teacher and I could never home school. He seems to think that he can't do any work unless I am right there at the table keeping him focused and helping him. He definately doesn't need my help with the work, he just doesn't want to do it.
Also, in times like this, I never know exactly what to do or how to handle the situation. Do I punish him for being suspended or is that punishment enough? Do I revoke privledges? How long? This series of outbursts is because of medications, I believe, so as we are adjusting them, is it his fault somewhat? To what extent? I struggle with this soo much and really just can't seem to find the right answers to this one. Do you punish a child because his mental state is so messed up he doesn't always make the right choices? how much of this can he really control? Is it his fault? Does the punishment really fit the crime? Does it work? Is it effective? How can I punish him and not get him so worked up that it causes another outburst? Once he's calmed down, do I punish him for something he did 2 hours ago and was able to calm himself down, on his own? Or do I reward that part? I don't like what you did, but the fact that you controlled it and came out of it, well thats something, right???
I know that HE is the one who really struggles with the Bipolar but I really am convinced that the parents have their own struggle/fight aside from the one the child deals with constantly. Sometimes I feel like I need a medication for being the mother of a Bipolar Child, or therapy for how to deal with a bipolar child/parenting a bipolar child while he gets therapy as well. This illness doens't just effect the person who has it. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to be Jakes mom but then I realize that he must have had enough faith in me to know that I could handle it. He knew that Jake needed me. I am proud to be his mom and would not trade him or the life we live for anything else in the world.
We are still to the point where we have more good times than bad, which is a total 180 from a few years ago. He is a brilliant child who is loving, caring and super sweet. He is helpful (when he wants to be of course) and still manages to surprise and amaze me with the things he does on occasion without ever being asked.
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